Having a good friendship is so important for us. As psychology today in this article puts it
Having solid friendships is important for two main reasons. First, they make life more enjoyable. We get to share the beautiful aspects of life with people who we love, which can enrich our everyday experiences. Second, our friends help us through the difficult times. Having friends to support us through hard times can make unimaginably difficult situations seem more tolerable.
Today, we’re going to take a deep look at how a relationship develops from this book titled Handbook of Relationship Initiation by Susan Sprecher.
To make things simple, I made a decomposition diagram that explains different factors that influence friendship formation.
Disclaimer: Before we go deeper, please note that I do not possess a degree in psychology. I am also not a psychology student. This article is made based on my own research from reading different sources.
Dyadic Factors
Self-Disclosure
Not only do we like those who self-disclose to us, but we also like those to whom we have self-disclosed. Reciprocity is considered important in establishing trust in a relationship (Altman, 1973). Once trust is established, it is not necessary for each self-disclosure to be reciprocated in kind.
Social penetration theory (SPT) proposes that interpersonal communication moves from relatively shallow, non-intimate levels to deeper, more intimate ones as relationships develop. You can start to gauge your relationship level with your friends by identifying what kind of topic both of you often talk about.
Shared Fun and Humor
Two of the communicative competencies that facilitate friendship formation and maintenance are being fun and entertaining and having a good sense of humor. Friends were also more likely to engage in joking and teasing.
Interestingly, consider this article that claims that women find funny men attractive.
Similarity
People are likely to become friends with those who are similar to them in terms of demographic characteristics (e.g., age, physical health, education, religion, and family background), residential proximity, social status, physical attractiveness, and so on.
Friends were more similar in terms of activity preferences than attitudes. Similarity attraction was stronger for interests and hobbies because similarity in these areas has greater implications for interaction. There is little evidence that people become friends on the basis of personality similarity
Reciprocity of Liking
When another person likes us, we tend to like them in return.
Individual Factors
Exclusion Criteria
We never like people who meet our dislike criteria regardless of what likable qualities they may also possess
For example, we may not like a person who has a smelly body odor even though he’s a very nice person.
Judgments about liking and disliking are asymmetrical.
You may dislike a person who’s a heavy smoker, but you may not automatically like a person who doesn’t smoke. The exclusion criteria serve as a “bare minimum” line for us to choose who we wanted to make friends with.
Inclusion Criteria
Physical Attractiveness — Like it or not, physical attractiveness is one of the factors that determine friendship formation.
Among both adults and children, facial attractiveness is correlated with popularity. People assume that those who are physically attractive also possess desirable traits.
You may think that it is shallow to judge which person we wanted to make friends with. Interestingly,
Recent research shows that this stereotype operates at an implicit, unconscious level.
Social Skills — Social skills are the tools that enable people to be able to interact with society harmoniously. This includes the ability to communicate, learn, ask for help, get needs met in appropriate ways, get along with others, make friends, develop healthy relationships, protect themselves.
Those with good social skills have more friends and interact more positively with others compared to those whose skills are deficient.
Skills at initiating interactions (e.g., introducing yourself) were most important in the early stages, when the students were unacquainted with their peers; self-disclosure skills were most important once friendships had been established.
Responsiveness — Responsiveness has been operationalized as showing interest and concern during an interaction. Dale Carnegie in his book titled How to Win Friends & Influence People once said that
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you
Situational Factors
Probability of Future Interaction
Participants reported greater liking for the person with whom they expected to interact. Subsequent studies have shown that when we expect to have ongoing interactions with another person, we accentuate the positive and downplay the negative to increase the probability that our future encounters will be smooth and enjoyable
Frequency of Exposure and Familiarity
The more often we come in contact with another person, the more we like him or her. However, there are some limiting conditions. For example, if we initially dislike someone, repeated exposure can actually lead to less, rather than more, liking
As bakadesuyo in this article put it,
Repeated exposure amplifies whatever is already there.
Outcome Dependency
A model labeled predicted outcome value theory in which the central assumption is that people seek to maximize their outcomes. Consequently, people pursue relationships that promise to be most rewarding and restrict the development of relationships with lower reward potential.
Availability
If we already have a full store of friendships or have other time-consuming commitments (e.g., family, work, or studies), we will be less available for new friendships.
Environmental Factors
Population Density
Whether one lives in a more or less densely populated area has a little direct effect on the formation of friendships. What seems critical is whether there are opportunities for friendship formation in a given setting and whether people are able to take advantage of them. Population density can facilitate friendship formation because of the greater availability of potential friends, easier access to friends afforded by public transportation, and so on.
Residential Proximity
Researchers coined the term functional distance, meaning that the probability of two people interacting is a function of both the design of the environment and the actual physical distance.
Workplace and School Settings
These settings provide opportunities for interaction. The greater the amount of interaction that is afforded by the environment, the greater the likelihood of friendship formation. Another reason is that, many tasks require, or even encourage, friendly cooperative behaviors between coworkers in workplace and school settings. Thus, to the extent that the work or school environment fosters interaction, noncompetitiveness, and interdependence, friendships will be more likely to form
Making Friends Online
There is some evidence that the “rich get richer” in the sense that the Internet provides socially competent individuals with yet another arena in which to exercise their friendship-making skills. For those who are socially isolated or lacking social competencies, it is not clear whether CMC (Computer-mediated communication) facilitates or impedes friendship formation. CMC could be construed as a less threatening venue in which social skills can be practiced and rehearsed, thereby providing preparation for face-to-face encounters. On the other hand, CMC may inhibit socially isolated individuals from making the effort to initiate “real-world” friendships.
Social Networks
Friendship development was positively correlated with the perceived level of support from social networks. Even adults’ friendship choices are governed by the reactions of network members. Not only are social networks sources of potential friends, but they also influence which friendship ties are most likely to be cultivated.
Personal Thoughts
1. Weight
Surely, some factors may weigh more than others. A short survey that I conducted through my Twitter account shows this. I personally think that more research is needed to find each factor’s weight.
2. General Views
Most of the factors mentioned above are mainly based on personal taste, but I think more research is needed to find certain traits that are liked and disliked by the general public.
3. Overlapping factors
There are several factors that I think overlap each other. For example, shared fun and humor factors may account for similarity factors as well.
4. Engineer yourself with this knowledge.
To make the most of this article, try to engineer your life around these factors. For example, through this article, I found out that red and black colored clothes are the most attractive colors that men can wear.
References
Barker, E. (2013, November 24). Why do women find funny men attractive? Barking Up The Wrong Tree. https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/03/why-do-women-find-funny-men-attractive/
Barker, E. (2017, June 11). How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You. Barking Up The Wrong Tree. https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/make-someone-fall-in-love-with-you/
Carnegie, D. (1998). How to Win Friends & Influence People. Pocket Books.
Puff, R. (2021, July 26). The Importance of Friendship. Psychology Today. Retrieved January 18, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meditation-modern-life/202107/the-importance-friendship
Sprecher, S., Wenzel, A., & Harvey, J. H. (2008). Handbook of Relationship Initiation. Amsterdam University Press.
Tincher, N. (2021, August 6). How to Be More Physically Attractive (Men). WikiHow. https://www.wikihow.com/Be-More-Physically-Attractive-(Men)
Wikipedia contributors. (2022, January 12). Social penetration theory. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_penetration_theory
